I have always thought of myself as nothing special, nothing much. Then you came. You compared my hair with dark amber, called my eyes the sweetest chocolate you have ever tasted. For a moment I imagined I was something unique.
Then you left.
You made me big, exquisite… you made me exceptional. But suddenly you disappeared. Then it all started like an avalanche on the steepest mountain hill. I had to learn to survive again like nothing much, nothing more but an ordinary human who is not enough. I avoided amber, and I no longer ate chocolate. I had to learn to live alone. I had to survive by myself.
For a long time, I took my hair as a straw that was darkened by the fog that was haunting my dreams. Abandoned in a barn. Left without care, not a shelter. Affected by any whether.
I did not hate you, I could never do. I will be thankful to you. I am grateful now and I will be at the grave. With your departure, knowingly or not, you thought me to be whole. To not wait for anyone to come and “complete” me. You taught me to live, to exist, to survive.
I had to kill everything you left inside me, in my body, in my mind. And I did it. I did it thanks to you. The easiest and most effective murder is through poison. Cigarette smoke has become another toxic air pipe. Alcohol - the right evil. The poison eradicated every part of me, little by little. Irrevocably. I was going out more. I satisfied my primary needs for someone’s physical closeness. Found smiles, touch, and sex. All of this for the sake of the most precious thing in the world: self-preservation.
Please do not judge me for how I preserved myself. Do not confuse my hunger for survival with self-destruction. I understand how alike they are, but that was exactly what I needed. That was what I needed, this is what I did.
My hair turned into a forest fire, seen from afar and my eyes turned into healing marsh mud.
I will burn, I will destroy, I will create.
Now, dear, it is your time to learn to burn.
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